I never thought that my mid-forties would consist of me fighting constant fatigue and low mood. Was life not meant to start at 40? I remember turning 40 and feeling so excited and empowered, thinking my kids didn’t need me as much, I could go and conquer the world – do all the things I’d always wanted to do. But nooo– as I approached my mid-forties, I began to feel different – nothing I could quite put my finger on, but I was not feeling like the old me – the vibrant, motivated, always on the go me. I remember the tiredness and lack of motivation – then my brain started playing tricks on me! I could not remember things, names, or what I was supposed to do! My hair started thinning at the very top of my head, but I did not put any of these symptoms together – how could I? I knew nothing about Menopause. My awakening to Menopause’s reality was a solitary quest, marked by a desperate search for answers and a resolve forged in the depths of confusion and fear.
It was just not spoken about for such a big life event that every woman will potentially go through if they live long enough. I was probably 44 or 45 then and knew nothing. I come from a background that did not encourage women to talk openly about their personal struggles. I had never had a conversation about Menopause, whether in Africa, where I was born, bred, and married, nor in the UK, where I migrated to in my 30s. I shaved my hair off to give it another chance to grow (Me being optimistic) and spent a lot of money on hair growth and care oils and creams – nothing happened. My default when the going gets tough is my faith; I remember praying so hard for my mind to be healed and restored. I thought I was losing my mind or that I had early-onset dementia.
This was just the beginning – worse was to come. It felt like I walked into a storm without any protective clothing. I thought I was dying of one thing or another – I struggled with severe symptoms for a couple of years. I literally fell into Menopause unprepared. And so, I stumbled into the deep hole that is Menopause and suffered without knowing – no explanation and no support. I prayed and bound the devil for bringing this curse upon me. I prayed over my mind because brain fog/forgetfulness was becoming a reality – I prayed against early-onset dementia! I prayed and bound the spirit of witchcraft. I was still to have the woeful pleasure of joint pain, facial hair, mood swings, low libido, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), itchiness, and, oh anxiety…I wasn’t prepared for that one – to name a few of the over 50 menopause symptoms cited by the National Health Service (NHS).
This couldn’t be me, was it? – I wondered many times if this was the end. Was this how we were meant to bow out of life because I was slowly fading out…And started to put my Will in order. Professor Google became my go-to educator, and I finally diagnosed myself – I was menopausal! – I had no idea then there were three stages of Menopause: perimenopause, Menopause, and post-menopause. The saga continued with weight gain – a steady weight increase, which would not shift however much I tried. The self-esteem and confidence were going on the heels of that – the shame and embarrassment followed by isolation.
Too much knowledge can be harmful if not directed – I found myself constantly wondering if every little thing I experienced or felt was because of Menopause. Am I going crazy, or is it Menopause? Is it just a headache, or is it Menopause? Menopause is no laughing matter: Menopause has long been a target of jokes and ridicule, sometimes inappropriate humour and mockery. Menopause isn’t just a punchline – it’s a reality that affects millions of women worldwide. Encouraging dialogues helps demystify the topic and eliminates the stigma that has allowed jokes to thrive.
The school curriculum saw it fit to educate us about menstruation and puberty. But not about Menopause. I believed that one day, at around 50, I would wake up, my period would be gone, and I would live a period-free life for the rest of my life. This was the extent of my menopausal knowledge. There was no one to educate me and the many women out there that Menopause does not happen overnight – that it is a process. No one prepared me for the nearly ten years of managing symptoms that can be pretty debilitating, symptoms that have such a significant impact not just on physical health but emotionally, mentally, and socially. Menopause symptoms will affect relationships, and the symptoms follow you to work, too, making it challenging to perform as you used to.
The one thing I do remember clearly is that the moment I discovered what I was going through had a name to it- phew! I was not dying! The relief is difficult even to explain; it’s almost tangible. It was like taking a magic pill or suddenly having clear vision after a storm! So, I wasn’t lazy after all, and I was not a failure; the symptoms had left me battered and bruised with no clear hope for my future. No one had said that 1 in 3 women in the UK are going through Menopause right now – there are currently 13 million women who are presently perimenopausal in the UK, according to the NHS. There was no need for me to do this menopause thing alone!
But I soon learnt that as a black African woman, my responses and attitude to the menopause experience are different to the white woman. The Study of Women’s Health Across the Nation (SWAN) research discovered that black women reach Menopause at 49, two years earlier than their white counterparts; not only that, but black women spend more time transitioning into Menopause than white women. So white women may have 6.5 years of hot flashes, while black women have 10 years of it. Women from different ethnicities will have different menopausal and perimenopausal symptoms. I think the Japanese are the luckiest, with minimal discomfort from menopausal symptoms. This could be attributed to their lifestyle and diet.
My black Menopause (what I started calling it) encompasses my culture and beliefs. I did not know that black women go into Menopause earlier and stay longer. My traditions. My race. My economic environment. My exposure to knowledge and health facilities. My religion. My mindset and the ability to shift that. My limiting beliefs. These factors are essential to how I understand Menopause. My culture is such that we did not talk about Menopause. This culture of silence put me at a disadvantage when Menopause came, finding me unprepared; I had very little knowledge of what it was, what to expect and how to manage the best symptoms. The journey to Menopause was a very lonely and scary one for me without support.
You see, the health care service here is designed for the average white woman and how she experiences Menopause because those are the studies that have been conducted. I have dreaded and feared the menopause journey because I did not know much of the biological facts. The stories I heard when I started searching included myths and old wives’ tales, and I can tell you that those stories are enough to put anyone off. The truth is we fear what we don’t know. Myths come about because things are not spoken about and very little is known about the subject. It was a deep dive into a black hole. I have been chastised a couple of times for tempering with a topic that should not be talked about. One of the myths I came across was that when a woman had their last period, they had to stop having intimacy with their husbands because it would be unsafe to continue doing so. The sperm deposited in the woman would have no way of being washed out because she was no longer menstruating (cleansing of the womb). The risk of that being an infection that would lead to cancer. And so, at or around 50, women would be moved to another bedroom. Quite often, a new bride would be found for the husband. Menopause has been assigned to witchcraft and many other spiritual explanations. And so, therefore, there was this fear of intimacy and closeness with one’s husband. And no one to talk to.